I'm back after a month off with a new summary for Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The book explains how our different attachment styles affect how we approach our romantic relationships.

As usual, the key takeaways are below, and you can find the full summary by clicking the link above.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Attachment theory describes 3 attachment styles in romantic relationships:
  • Secure (over 50% of people) describes those who are comfortable with intimacy.
  • Anxious (~20%) describes those who crave intimacy but are very afraid of rejection.
  • Avoidant (~25%) describes those who are afraid of intimacy and see it as a loss of their independence.
• Much popular dating advice is harmful.
  • A lot of advice says that dependency is bad and that happiness should come from within. But dependency is a simple fact — as social creatures, we depend on others for our well-being.
  • There’s actually a dependency paradox, in that people who are effectively dependent on one another gain more confidence and security to become more independent.
  • Don’t play games — pretending to be more self-sufficient than you are just makes it harder to find someone who can meet your intimacy needs.
• Anxious and avoidant people often date each other. This can be a very destructive pairing, which the authors call the anxious-avoidant trap:
  • Anxious and avoidant people are more likely to find each other because: secures don’t tend to stay in the dating pool very long; anxious people are likely to initially find secure people boring; and two avoidants lack the “glue” needed to stay together.
  • It’s a “trap” because the two styles strongly conflict in a self-reinforcing cycle. When anxious people get insecure, they engage in protest behaviour hoping to get reassurance from their partner. But this triggers deactivating strategies in avoidants because they’re afraid of intimacy.
• Attachment styles are not fixed. People can become more secure by:
  • Entering a relationship with a secure person.
  • Building security within your existing relationship, with tactics like “security priming”.
  • Recognise and legitimise your own attachment needs as well as your partners’.
  • Practise effective communication — this will help you both with finding a suitable partner and ensuring that your intimacy needs are met.

You can find the full detailed summary on the website. If you found this summary useful, consider forwarding to a friend you think might enjoy it.

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​To Summarise​